a cannibalistic farmer raises his eyes to heaven

I was in the barn the other day,
slaughtering children for veal,
arms drenched in sticky glops of red,
when the sun broke through a cotton cloud,
lasering its broad, blinding warmth
past the floating white's wild edges,
through my new energy-efficient barn windows
to dry the blood on my raised arms
to a stiff, cracking paint.
I tossed away the tiny, fat leg
I was holding, kicked some
moaning infants aside, and
ran out into the golden fields
to bask in the glory of God.


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Top exciting video

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watch out

Julian shat on Betty's head. So she took the brown lump and mashed it into Julian's right eye. This gave him an eye infection, so he had to go buy an eyepatch. The eyepatch he bought was Gucci, so it said Gucci in big letters where his eye used to peer.

One day, an old man walking by Julian tried to read the word on the young lad's eyepatch and accidentally fell into the gutter. By doing so, his face hit the concrete where some poop had been, and it got lodged in his eye. So he had to buy an eyepatch, too. But he bought a generic one because he blamed brand-name eyepatches for his unfortunate accident.

Thankfully, our story ends happily because a hot old lady named Trudy thought eyepatches were hot and totally put out for the old man. She did anal and everything. She was also Betty's mum. Coincidence? I'll let you decide...


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I'm a Sperm Donor, Baby

Donated sperm when I was young
It's only sperm, I had tons
Needed some cash, and I was brash
I loved the thought of all my sons
Runnin' around in Thunder Bay
Divin' into Kawartha Lake
Seein’ all these places that I've never been
Is that really a sin?

I'm a sperm donor, baby
Got some kiddies somewhere
I've procreated lots, but I've got no heirs
I'm a sperm donor, baby
Won't you cut me some slack
You better not be my daughter
I am prone to heart attacks

Now I'm older, and I want me a wife
But I've stayed away from lyin' my whole life
Why do these chicks prefer to date these dicks
Cuz when I tell 'em the truth, it's just strife
Datin' single mothers, but they don't understand
Datin' minorities, now talk to the hand
Gettin' so desperate, I might date a dude
Goddamn, that's pretty rude

When I see a young person
And they got eyes like me
Or maybe a nose as peculiar as mine
Is that my kid?
Oh, is that my kid??

I wonder if my boys will grow up
To be sperm donors, too

Yes, I'm a sperm donor, baby
Got some kiddies somewhere
I've procreated lots, but I've got no heirs
I'm a sperm donor, baby
And I got no regrets
Your spermless brother Benny’s wife could be in my debt
I’m a sperm donor, baby
Did my jollies in a cup
Did it with such care, never spilled a precious drop
I’m a sperm donor, baby
Won't you cut me some slack
You better not be my daughter
You better not be my daughter
I really hope you’re not my daughter
I am prone to heart attacks

SPOKEN:
You’re not one of them
Artificial insemination-type folks, are you?
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
All my kids are!
And I bet they’re really nice.
I bet they wouldn’t be prejudiced against a sperm donor.
Oh gosh.


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America's Next Top Model

Oh models, they have it so tough
On this show that I like
They must be beauties, they must be stylish
They must take pictures that the judges like

I wish that they all could win

Cuz every single one of them
Has won my heart
They are all so beautiful
It makes my loins smart
Ohhh, what a show!
(Spoken:) ANTM...

They get in fights with the other models
They say some shit that just ain't right
Sometimes they're fatties, sometimes they're lesbos
Sometimes they're cripples, in one big fight

I wish that they all could win

Cuz every single one of you
Has won my heart
You are all so beautiful
It makes my loins smart
Ohhh, what a show!

And once there was this racist girl
I even liked her, too
(Spoken:) Oh, ANTM...

Oh models, they have it so tough
On this show that I like


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A Witch in Love

I am a witch in love
I like the wart on your nose
I ask the powers above
I ask the powers below

Eye of newt
Toe of frog
May this potion
Make you my love
Dragon's blood
Light of moon
May this potion
Make you mine soon

Ah-ah
Ah-ah
Ha ha ha ha!

You are such a beaut
I add the eye of newt
You are such a dear
I add the kitten's ear

Eye of newt...

Ah-ah...

I made up a potion
It just gave me rashes
I just want to kiss you
Oh toadstools! Oh dashes! (Dashes!)

Ah-ah...


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Go to Church

I go to church
I go to church
We sing about God there
We sing about God

It is the church
It is the church
Where I was baptized when
I was a babe and

When Satan he calls for me
I will be ready
I'll have the tools and support to say
Flip off, Satan

I know the peeps
I know the peeps
Who help at the bake sales
Who help at the sales

And Pastor Pete
And Pastor Pete
He helps us to have fun
With really cool sermons and

When Satan he calls for me
I will be ready
I'll have the tools and support to say
Fudge off, Satan!

Oooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Church is the bomb now
Oooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ah, ah
Oooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Church is the bomb now
Oooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Bop, biddly op, biddly op bop

So go to church
So go to church
They'll clean out your soul there
They'll douche out your soul and

When Satan he calls for you
You will be ready
You'll have the tools and support to say
Shoo, Satan!!


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